August 6, Thursday, 2008, rated 7, shooting up and germs
Stayed up late and slept only a few hours in anticipation of my check and those easy 40′s. Started the day washing ceilings at Cindy’s place, met up with Kelly, who wanted me to help babysit Chad in Darboy for several hours. Lucky for me Kelly gave me rides to get my check and then out to see Joey at his works, so I could score said 40. I brought my whole kit bag with me and the minute I got to Shelly’s place I was in the bathroom shooting up. Felt so good, so familiar–wiped my sick away, but because I had smoked with Kelly on the way over I didn’t enjoy my oxy high as much as I should have.
We were at Shelly’s for way too long, I was getting tense at the end, wanted to go. I had Kelly drop me at Joey’s when we got back into Osh, scored another 40 and went home, stoned. I shot that too and proceeded to have a VERY intoxicated conversation with Renee. It was tough; I was having a hard time keeping track of what I was saying. After that Jessie called and we concreted our plans for Wednesday.
I’m so excited about that, very excited. I wonder what it will be like to see this girl after 7 long years!! Wow, 7 years, unbelievable. If it wasnt for Facebook I would never have sen her again.
My day off from work was pretty good all around, smoked a lot and got high in style, exactly what I’ve been living for now for too many years. I really need to stop, this shit is so f**king expensive.
One more interesting thing: On our ride over I asked Kelly for a sip of her water, but she is so afraid of germs that she gave me the whole bottle. She then proceeded to tell me a story about some friend of hers taking a drink of someone elses water and then dying 3 days later from meningitis. I remember thinking that I would be happy to not only drink her water, but also to squirt it into my veins–which I did. Kelly thinks she is empowered, smart, independent, but she isn’t; she let’s corporate America scare her into isolation, believes everything she hears, and acts accordingly, like a sheep. God, how terrible to be afraid of f**king germs!!
Intake: 80 mg oxyco, IV, smoked all day
( I sure hope I am not shocking anyone or being too bold with posting all this. Found these pics after Matt died. These are the ‘early days’ pics, pre 2007. Towards the end he wasn’t so impressed by himself and I doubt would have posed for a photo shoot of what he feared was the inevitable–his death. Bold and youthful, how we all seem to think we are somehow going to fall out of this life laughing at our moxie. Older and wounded how we hope to have something catch us as we know the fall is going to hurt bad.
“Kelly”here has always been so afraid of that fall for some reason. She is quite an engaging individual, though she and Matt had a condone/condemn sort of relationship. Can’t say I would hug her for all the deception and drugs that went about. However, I do find Matt’s take on the whole germ deal a bit contemplative: germs are so little yet so fierce. So many have such fear of them. I count myself lucky to have the belly of a Rhino, able to eat carrots from the garden with only a quick dusting. I even drink from rivers when fishing, though the thought of a dead deer lying upstream, marinating in the water, gives me hesitation. Knowing full well the risk I take, the water still tastes so good to my thirst. Then, I get in my Jeep and drive home, risking the road, where many a soul have passed, but not walking is so worth the risk. Don’t think much about driving as risky. Don’t think much about water as risky either. And, I don’t use paper towel to open restroom doors either. The phobic seed is something I refuse to water as it could just grow into a noxious weed. And, I drink lots of water, any water. Camping for most of my summers, I wash in lots of life filled water; I have to chase away all the small fry that are interested in my suds as I bathe in the sandy shallows filled with frogs and water bugs. How foreign to consider water as something that could kill you, especially when so many other things out there have you in the crosshairs, like opiates, stress, skin cancer, stress, murder, stress, overeating, stress, and heart disease. Kelly was a regular user; in fact, I can’t think of a time I saw her and she wasn’t stoned on pot. But, she wouldn’t eat bananas, stayed away from wheat, and took her fish oil daily. Not knocking her at all, but lately I just don’t think I care about the little things that kill people anymore, I am more focused on the big things.
How unaccountable we all become to these big things when media fear tactics get us afraid of water, food, germs. I’m thinking I might just drink out of a puddle as it’s raining right now. And then I will come back and look in the mirror and say, “I like you, just the way you are, so don’t stress about anything.”
For most addicts, I believe looking in a mirror is something that they avoid. And, saying “I like me” is something untainable without their drug. Another common theme I have been seeing in addiction is the need to control those things outside the addiction, like Kelly here, or like Memo’s Mikayla. Not being at all educated in psychology, but getting to know so many addicts through this blog and others like it, I wonder if all of us to some degree and addicts to a higher degree don’t try and over-control those things in our life that are similar to those things that we know are out of control. Reading my son’s journals really made me look at myself so much differently.