Long overdue–July 13, 2009, Journal I, page 1

Well, I feel that it’s about time to start a journal. To this point I have played around with the idea, and I suppose in some ways I regret not starting one sooner; better late than never.  For the sake of my future self, I must be honest within these pages; failure to do so will render this endeavor useless, so, here goes nothing.

I’m 24, and I feel pretty impotent for my youth. I’m just about half way through a 2 year probation term that has gone by quite easily to this point. I’m working at this Mexican restaurant in Oshkosh as a cook. I’m living independently on $600/month; for that I’m proud. I live as a boarder with J_____, in a big old room with teal paint. I’m still using opiates, a fact that has impacted my current situation less than it should. I have been able (since July last year) to mitigate the negative effects it has had on my life–quite a surprising fact. My habit eats up my extra money, but my basic bills get paid.  I need to kill this part of my personality off if I am to have any hope of reaching my higher goals.

I’ve recently met E____, a strange creature, but something draws me to her nonetheless. Perhaps it is just loneliness–and I think it is nothing more than that–it’s been almost 3 years since I’ve seen Paulina, and I still think about her…although I know there is no use in it.  Anyways, my first impressions of E____ are of a cold, selfish, scientist (I find myself feeling very uncomfortable thinking about her in this way). I question where our…aquaintance will go.  Perhaps she will drop me; I have a feeling that it may happen.  Or, perhaps she will continue to use me.  I allow her to use me now for the simple fact that I believe some of my own wants will be fulfilled along the way. What a terrible way to act.  I feel that I am destined to more principled in my interactions with others.  I still seek truth in love, it eludes me still, and I feel that it will for some time to come.

My goals today are centered on going back to eastern Europe–Ukraine, to see Ira, and back to Poland as well. I’ve been lazy lately; I don’t know why.   I need to get moving.  This is a short-term goal.

I worked for about 5 hours tonight, and it went well, busy, but I’m not dope sick. I had a 10 mg methadone that kept my head and body in line.  Up to today, work is going well, better in fact than a few weeks ago when I felt that I may have quit altogether.  I haven’t spoken to my mother in about a month, which sucks.  Right now my best friends are Rose, Rob, and Lukasz.  I don’t have any “real” friends in Oshkosh proper.

Anyways, that’s the start to this journal.  I will try my best to keep up with the entries, knowing that in years to come I will thank myself.

(This is Matt’s first journal entry. He had been living in Oshkosh for over a year at this point. If you have any questions or the text is unclear due to not understanding the background, feel free to leave a message and I will try to explain. Thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments: Matt’s mom.)

I appreciate every comment

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