July 16, Thursday, 2009

I missed my damn journal entry for last night! I was too f***ed up after speed-balling a couple times through the day.  I remember that work pissed me off because R___ was a dick all night. Let’s see, I have to document intake here quick: Yesterday 30 mg adderal, 70 mg hydroco, 15 mg diazepam.

Today was interesting.  K____ called me out of the blue and woke me up, had me over and we got high.  I got Really high for some reason. Probably because I don’t smoke much anymore.  I came home and slept all the way until I went to work.  E____was working in the kitchen tonight, and I really wanted to do something with her tonight, but she blew me off.   I had to chase her to her car, and then it seemed that she didn’t even want to talk to me–strange.  Maybe now I get the hint.  I feel embarrassed.  I hold out hope that she will want to do something here in the future (soon) but am unsure.  I think it won’t happen, but who knows?

Talked with C____G____ tonight for several hours.  He’s gotten himself into quite a situation, marooned in OK state.  Poor guy, smart, but at loss for romance.

Intake: 70 mg hydroco, 7.5 Diazepam, smoked

(I had little to no idea Matt was even using drugs. How naive. We spoke on the phone once a week or so, and mostly about his job. Also, Oshkosh had extended family there that I trusted to watch over him. But, they did know. They knew quite well in fact. I was the only one who didn’t.

Looking back, the signs should have told me. He was always having trouble where he worked, and the stories all seemed the same–some jerk boss, coworkers complaining, money missing and not his fault….

For anyone reading this who knows someone in this situation, I would like to say what I believe I should have done differently. I should have called more often, visited more often, and asked to meet people he knew. I should have made close ties with those people. I should have been more present in other words. That presence would not have been judgmental but rather reflective and loving. Addiction seems to be full of lying and hiding. Being more present, friends and family have the opportunity to help the addict see reality more clearly with loving reflection.  Matt’s mom)

One thought on “July 16, Thursday, 2009

  1. “I should have….it is so easy to look back and say that, but at the time we want so much to believe in them, believe in there recovery. My son is stil living in his addiction (although currently in treatment). However, for 6 months last fall I believe he was doing well. There we red flags galor as I look back…but he had a job, he had a place to live. So what if be slept late, never had any extra money, etc. My point is that our love and hope that they are well often blinds us to reality. Thank you so much for sharing Matt’s story.


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