July 20, Monday, 2009

Went back to A. C_____’s today and helped her get her house ready for the realtor.  As far as I could tell she didn’t realize any issues with my heist yesterday; the bottle was left out in the open again.  I was able to boost 3 more tabs, which I really didn’t want to do, but it was too tempting to resist.  I’ve really gotta stop with this shit; it’s stupid and dangerous, risky in ways that I can’t handle.  My hopes and dreams die a little more each day when I do this.   It’s not a position I want myself in, but I return to it nonetheless, irresistible.

Talked to B___C___ today.  Found out that E___Sr.  passed away.  He was old and ill, it was his time, but still death haunts me when it happens.  I will not be able to attend his funeral on the 27th–for that I am quite sorry.  I long to go back north for a visit.  I miss my family now; being so lonely here gets to me.  I spend time now only with my dealer, who is nice enough, but we will always have a “business” relationship, and I need more than that to be anywhere near happy.  I hate the way things are now.  The possibility of suicide creeps once again into my thoughts.

I think about all the plans for my life that I’ve ruined; I think about the failure that I have become.  I understand there is still so much time for me to set everything straight, but I feel a lack of will and fortitude within to accomplish anything. Why not just give up?   Go to sleep, put these dreams and demons to rest in the same grave.  I don’t think I have the courage to kill. My threshold for pain is too high, so I will continue to suffer, seeking purpose by accident only, bumping into the next reality.  I would like to imagine that this suffering means something, but for the life of me I cannot see passed it and into my own future.  I’m  back into the hole of addiction. It consumes my every thought now–this is about 80% of all of my problems–God, help me.  I will continue to suffer.  Tomorrow I will score some morphine I think, shoot it up, get high.  Thursday will be a hell of a day when I get paid.  I will be buying more of that s**t. F**k.

Intake:  30 mg oxycodone

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