July 26, Sunday, 2009

(So, what would you do as this man? How would you face each day? As Emily Dickinson once wrote,

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune–without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

However, what happens when Hope is gone? When the icy droplets of defeat freeze the will to continue, when the storm crusts the branches, when the bird is ensconced in layers of memories, and only the muffled song or maybe a memory of the song are heard, what would you do? Some of you reading may not feel that your daily existence depends on Hope. But, if you would humor me a bit, consider that hope is tied to faith, faith/hope that your loved ones will answer the phone, that your car will start, that you don’t have cancer, that you will eat today, that you will find love, that you will have kids and grand kids and family outings and campfire chats, and a life without daily pain and shame. Life without hope dries a person’s soul. In the words of Langston Hughes,

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

For Matthew, it was a heavy load that was daily on his mind. Matt’s mom”

Today was the first time I worked at the restaurant on a Sunday, and then being open only for this EAA bullshit, that’s going to seriously test my patience for the next week. Tonight sucked, Tabitha was doing non-essential work all evening and left me to the actual main shit (just like always). They don’t see what I do for them, not one bit. It’s a shame. When, oh when, God, will I decide to throw myself back into school? The tipping point is coming soon enough where I will elevate or destroy myself forever.

I remember today as quite depressing. I awoke in a depressed mood and it stuck with me throughout the day, probably because I knew that I wouldn’t be getting high. I didn’t get high today, didn’t take a thing. I’m sipping some whiskey now, just because, but no opiates were to be found. This is good; I feel a sense of clarity off of that shit. But, I feel naked at the same time, deeply bored, useless. I need to work harder; really I do, if I’m going to get anywhere at all. I’m not feeling sick yet, tomorrow I will be I’m sure.

Intake: Ø, day one

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