August 10, Monday, 2009 rated 6.5 (traded vikes for morphine)

Peaceful and beautiful day outside today.  Got the vikes filled, now I only have two fills left.  Thought I would’ve had five, but they caught the mistake.  I rode to Morton’s Parm with Baldwin, gave up ten tabs just because I’m a nice guy!  He didn’t believe they were actually vikes, but I’m sure he does now!  Spent the balance of the day before work just moping around, getting high, but only lightly.  I can never get real messed up on those vikes.  Traded ten for a morphine, which helped a little.

Work was alright.  Karl is a little asshole, but whatever, he’ll self-destruct I’m sure, I hope anyways.  Lisa was mngt, and she sucks, so that’s how that goes.

Tomorrow I’ll hang with Jessie!  So excited about that!  I so wonder how that will go.

I struck up a conversation with Becky on FB last night.  It was interesting.  We decided to hang out sometime soon.  I feel slightly romantically inclined towards her; it would be wonderful to maybe get some action with her! not to mention a real relationship.

Intake:  30 mg morphine IV, 10 mg hydroco oral

(This is a picture of Matt age 12 with baby sister. When I read the journal posts he made, I can’t really see the older Matt different than the younger one; they are the same. But, something happened between this sweet pic of him and sissy, and him and trading vikes for morphine. Dear God, how did this happen? The shift was so fast, established, unforeseen. Therefore, it must have been there already, in this picture too. It must have. I just didn’t see it.

If you look at those eyes, that smile, the clean house, the soccer games, the hikes in the mountains, the motorcycle rides, the pine-derby cars, the church camps with horses, the mountain tops climbed, the desert camping, the what-the-hell-ever-normalville life we lived, and look deep, you would have to look through a DNA test. How could I fight it? His biological father died at age 45 (?) of alcholism, well the report said heart attack. But, he was in a motel room alone, being kicked out by current wife, and visited the emergency room regularly for various alcohol related system failures. However, Matt only saw the man several times in his life. He did write Matt letters though, beautiful letters, full of imagery, voice, symbolism, and hope. Matt naturally wrote and spoke well himself, even though he was a minimal student–not very motivated by grades but very motivated to learn. I can see that in this picture of Matt–well spoken. Got that from dad. Too bad he got the ‘Sleeping Beauty prick of the needle’ gene too. Can’t see it here, but it is. It’s in those beautifully deep eyes that feel too much, see too much, care too much.

… sorry, had something in my eye, snivel.

Okay, back to typing my thoughts: This I know for certain–God came for the weak, the broken, and the willing. When reading the scriptures (usually during church service as it is so very boring that I read instead) I see Jesus shunning the powerful and well-established people and hanging with people a lot like Matt. I bet Him and Matt are having a grand time right now. I also bet He led Matt to write these journals just to show people that “As you did to one of the least of these my brothers, you did to me [Matthew 25:40].”

Matt’s mom)

12 thoughts on “August 10, Monday, 2009 rated 6.5 (traded vikes for morphine)

  1. Perhaps instead of all those activities you planned and organized, all he needed was you. Why was he not with you? It is so obvious he was calling out to you in a silent way. Yet, you appear to be missing from the picture as well as his sister. Sometimes, capitalists get caught up in the activities, not understanding that all that our children want is simple time spent quietly in a home of more acceptance to do nothing at all but be. Your son was lost because he had no one, so it appears. I may be wrong. But, I have read these entries and it baffles me as to why you were not there.


    • Hi Voiceless,
      Thanks for your blunt honesty, totally appreciated. I never have been much of a fan of vanilla. (I welcome anyone’s honesty too) I thought all day about all these comments here, as I did a quick email check this a.m. I usually get the heart-felt expressions of sorrow, which are so appreciated (so, to others reading this please feel free to just post a simple ‘visited your sight’ sort of comment ), but the really reflective ones are appreciated for their ability to help me figure this all out. I really want to figure this all out, get my head around it all.
      And, you are correct, not completely, but definitely correct that I wasn’t there enough. I think I might post a rant aimed at myself, just to feel better about being honest and to help anyone else out there making the same mistakes.
      Hoping that you like to debate and feel comfortable debating, agreeing and disagreeing with logic, I will agree that capitalism has led our country to purchase an image, a very superficial one at that. All the ads aimed a getting someone to spend money to cover an inadequacy, which the same media created, promised something that all those activities can’t quite deliver as they took people away from their front porches. Do you remember the days of front porches, where everyone sat and talked, others walked by and talked too? People connected. No more front porches.
      The activities Matt and I did were actually not a mistake, but I didn’t communicate that very well. We laughed a lot, teased each other, saw wonderful things together for the first time and grew up together a lot. A first child will do that to a person, make them grow up.
      So, here’s the big mistake you touched on that is correct: He needed me in Oshkosh and I was 4 hours away. I sent him down there as after rehab he lived with me for 5 months and couldn’t get a job here–he didn’t have a license and had no way to pay all his fines to get it either. So, in my stupidity I trusted my inlaws. They promised to take good care of Matt. Well, not being a pot smoker (so they didn’t let me into THAT side of their lives) and only seeing them (the two aunts Kelly and Cindy) at family functions, I just thought they would watch and sound the alarms. Nope, only complaints about him voiced: Matt was so lazy, so unmotivated, lied, hung out too much, blah blah…. Well, no duh he was lazy as these two kept him using drugs! THE WHOLE REASON I SENT HIM THERE WAS TO STAY CLEAN, GET BACK INTO ACHIEVING HIS DREAMS, AND BE SAFE!!! I had no idea that they were doing this until about two weeks before he died. That was when he told me, as I was moving him to Madison, where he supposedly was putting that all behind him again. Aunt Cindy actually gave him percocet after I drove away, day 1. Matt was so shocked. He didn’t even ask for them and hadn’t used since out of rehab. Why the hell would she even think to do that?
      So, why didn’t my son tell me what he was going through in Oshkosh? We spoke every weekend. I agreed with his rants on people, laughed at his jokes, discussed politics a lot (that was our favorite conversation being that we were both so conservative we would probably be considered liberal), and I just kept reminding him of all his dreams and offered advice on how to achieve them. However, I did not ask him those hard questions like, “Are you using? Do you want help? Do you need to go back into rehab? Is there anything I can do?” But, addicts don’t tell people that aren’t using. Those types might take away their control. So, I was so so so dumb. You are so very right, I needed to just quit my stupid job, sell the damn house, take sissy somewhere where I could be very very very close to Matt. Now that he’s dead, you bet I would sell, donate, or burn my every material possession for just one, one, conversation more.
      So, I am baffled too. Why the hell wasn’t I there? Because I was too stupid and caught up in showing up at my damn job. Here’s a kicker that should seal the nails on my coffin: As I was driving Matt to Madison with a trailer that looked like Grapes of Wrath in tow, we were talking about all his possessions and what meant the most to him. Up to this point we were laughing and listening to several new CDs. Well, all the sudden he got really serious. He looked at me and said, “Ma, if anything every happens to me I want you to read my journals. I write everything in there, and you will understand.”
      My dumb response: “Well, nothing better happen to you then because now I surely don’t want to ever read them, hahaha.” I should have pulled over the truck, hugged him, cried, and said “Please just tell me now what you think is going to happen to you.” He died two weeks later.

      Thanks for your voice and I hope you give me a good mirror to look in more often.
      Matt’s mom, Jane


      • Jane,
        I appreciate your honesty. I understand Matt because I suffer a similar situation–although different specifics. Perhaps the dreams you spoke about were not his dream. Maybe he was afraid to tell you. I don’t even think he was able to face this in the journal–to tell you he could not figure out his dreams because yours drowned his out. Perhaps he knew he could not achieve those dreams since they were not his. I asked you where you were only because of curiosity. Maybe it was best for him to be away to figure out who he was. I don’t know the answers either. I know that in my case, the problem was that I did not know who I was. I still don’t. It is very painful to be alone and not be able to communicate with one’s parents. At least, you read Matt’s journal. I’m positive my mother would not dare face the fact that she had something to do with my main problem in life–lack of self because she defined me. My entire struggle in life has been to redefine myself. You are a courageous and strong woman who did the best she could. And, you have kept Matt alive through this blog. I feel like I know him. It appears that Matt knew you were special too as he left you with his heart–the journal. It keeps beating within every person who reads it. May peace and grace be with you always.


        • Wow, that is a heavy load. Ever read Raisin in the Sun or is it call Dream Deferred? Can’t remember. Anyway, I am so pleased that you feel you know Matt. That right there gave me peace and grace.
          Peace and grace to you also,
          Matt’s mom, Jane


        • What’s the heavy load? No. I have not read Raisin in the Sun nor Dream Deferred. About knowing Matt, it is more of knowing his essence not the personality, which is but illusory. It is what he does not say that I found most interesting. I’m glad you received some peace and grace. Thank you for wishing me the same. ~Voiceless


  2. What a beautiful picture of Matt and his sissy. I love to read Matt’s Journals, but I think I most enjoy reading what you have to say at the end of each one. It is obvious just through the journal entries of Matt’s that I have read that he was very intelligent and well spoken. I’m sure he does get a lot of it from his father, but he obviously gets it from you, as well. People are definitely predisposed to addiction. Substances effect addicts differently (no doubt in my mind). I think that this is just another indicator of addicts’ sensitivity to their environments.


    • ” Substances effect addicts differently (no doubt in my mind).” I agree totally with Angie on this statement. This is why this whole approach to substance abuse is so confusing, and develops a wide variety of belief systems from the rehab community, the Christian community, the law enforcement community, the scientific community and any others that I may have missed.


    • Hey Angie, didn’t get a chance to say thanks so much for liking that pic. I love this pic too. My two dearest people looking so sweet. And, ahhh shucks on the liking what I write. Really, I just am ranting mostly. Oh man, now I feel pressure! Kidding.
      So, you too believe addicts have a different effect felt? I would have argued differently before. But, seeing it first hand, I just have to believe that without that DNA link, the environment would not effect them the same.
      On the other hand, someone put out a statistic on heroin and first time users. It said that anyone who tried heroin once has a 90% chance of being hooked. Well, that must have been a skewed statistid in my belief because they didn’t take into account that many people that try heroin are already hooked on something else. But, maybe not. Maybe they are just prone to risky behavior. It is all such a combo plater, such a Country Kitchen super scrambler. How can we tell what came first and what isn’t mixed together?
      And I have to agree that addicts are much more sensitive individuals–think about things more indepth and feel more. Matthew was quite sensitive, not in the weepy sort of way, but more in the pensive way. And, he loved very deeply and intensely. Do you think that is common? Or, is this what I have seen from those around me that have turned to substances?
      Anyway, thanks for the post!


  3. There are not many people in this world like Matt. It makes me truly sad that we lost one. And right after he just moved to a better place. I think he would have gone far. I think he would have beat this. It makes me mad for his sake that he did not get the chance. And I know Jesus and Matt are hanging out! Like you said, Jesus, shunned the powerful, the rich, he hung in the streets with the whores and addicts and down trodden because those were the people that needed him, the place he could do the most good. I can just see the discussions Matt and Jesus are having now! Matt was such a bright young man, so truly deep. He could truly see into peoples souls and he was an “old soul” himself. I just can’t understand why God saw fit to take someone like Matt from us. But I suppose that is not for me to understand. He has his reasons and that must be enough.

    I don’t necessarily believe in the “christian” version of God. Well i suppose in some ways I do. I was raised that way. But I shun organized religion. I believe that we all see the supreme being in a way that is best and most comfortable for us. But whether we see a man, a woman, a being, a spirit, or many gods, it/he/she is all the same. There are just different manifestations because everyone is different. But it is all the same “God”. I take a little bit of what I believe to be the truth from many different religions. But I do definitely believe in jesus. IDK why I felt the need to explain that but I did.


    • As a Christian I feel obligated to share my personal belief in God’s existence:

      Whims of God are conjured up nonchalantly when members reject the divinity of God. Rather than acknowledge the God of the universe, they seek some false outlandish concept, thing, or person(s) in an attempt to fulfill the promptings of their gnawing conscience. The conviction of a belief in a divine being is traditionally unacceptable to most of mankind. For instance, the cult of Scientology promotes vague doctrines of God. Moreover, man would rather accept the theory of the Big Bang, evolution, and the spontaneous beginning of life from some pool of primordial muck. In our North American society, most folks are familiar with the second commandment: “You shall have no other gods before Me.” (Deuteronomy 5:7) Another biblical text states: “For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal Godhead, so that they are without excuse.” (Romans 1:20) [See Scientology concept of God page.]

      It is worth mentioning, that anyone reading these scriptures should consider the seriousness of what has been stated. Rather than promote additional biblical expositions that many would find debatable, I have elected to surrender these truths to the reader for consideration, especially for those who remain doubtful about God’s existence. One must be reminded that absurd depictions of God are considered blasphemous; and unless the notion is abandoned, one is playing dice with their eternal soul.


      • I adore talking about God. Absolutely adore it. Therefore, I am so pleased to have connected with you all above here and your ability to candidly express the most important topic in the whole world. Why would anyone want to shy away from this topic?
        The one uniting thread I see here in the discussion is Jesus. Those who believe Jesus was a myth, an exaggeration, or a fluke must not have looked at the volumes of evidence is all I can figure. They must be going on something someone said that sounded real. However, I have seen the writings and I am not talking about the Bible. The canonization of the Bible was based on if the individual knew Jesus personally or not. All others didn’t get in. However, many people back then wrote about Him in the news. So many do not realize that Jesus was in the news all over at that time. The Romans, Greeks and Hebrews all had state positions for writers to record the history as it happened. And, Jesus appeared in them all. Interestingly, they recorded all the accounts of his miracles and even when he raised people from the dead. They didn’t agree with the new Christian movement at the times though for the most part. They really weren’t sure how he was able to heal people with a touch and call people out of the grave, but He did. And, they recorded it.
        So, I go on what He said after that because someone that can raise the dead and can remove blindness by a simple touch must know something big and be intune to something big. He said that He himself was God’s son, that he created the world and that he will judge the world. He also said we have nothing to worry about if we stick real close to Him. So, we must be like a friend with God. So, my friends know my name, know what I do, trust me, stick up for me, and answer my phone calls. I do not doubt a single thing He said because He’s my friend, He was kind to people, and He could raise the dead. And, I believe the writers of the Bible too, even though so many people hate it, hate Christians, and hate His message. I wonder why they hate His message so much. Could it be that they want to be in control? Maybe they want to tell God what they want Him to be like? Maybe they want to create God to fit their own image? Maybe it makes them feel guilty for not being perfect. But, that was the whole point, that nobody is perfect. Not sure. But, I am willing for Him to tell me what He is like and trust it.
        That being said, Jesus (God in the form of a man) said Satan will trick us, lie to us, hurt us, and make us very sick. Living in the world where Satan reigns we can’t avoid it, so bad things happen. The good news is this: So flipping what! Satan may have the power to make me miserable here, but only for my little puff of smoke life span. Then, I’m IN! I have hundreds and thousands of questions to ask God when I get there. And just imagine, God became a piddly little man just so that He could tell us that He actually loves us. Wow! So you bet I’m happy that when my eyes close that one last time it wasn’t all just a bad dream and all my efforts weren’t only for passing pleasures.
        As for M.H.’s words on why she got into all that but wasn’t sure why, well, I know why. Because it was something that was in her heart, something made her think about it all. God spoke to her at that moment. Love those moments.
        As for Angie agreeing, I do too. I agree that many of the major religious powers out there have become like the Pharisees and are only interested in selling their next doom’s day book. They think they know God so well yet seem so fake. Jesus has one church, just one, which is filled with His true believers and I am sure it isn’t one denomination over another but more just regular people. However, Satan is at work in this realm too and is trying to make all Christians look bad just because a few are in the news. I also agree that God is best invisioned in a way that we can see best. How could anyone say that God is of a certain sex and argue that against someone else’s vision. We can’t see God but our minds need to so we have a vision. So what whatever that vision is just like that one book The Shack where God was a Black lady. Who the heck cares how people invision God as long as they are aware of if they are going against what He said he is. He is a higher power, immensely higher.
        As for Analyst’s analysis, preach it brother! Share your personal belief freely! I wish more people would openly enter the arena of sharing and discussing their beliefs without feeling afraid that someone will disagree. I used to disagree with you due to dinosaur stuff. Figured that one out after a few unpopular college professors showed me other evidence. However, I would have never known that if I didn’t feel confident enough to say that I didn’t believe. So, here goes: I certainly don’t believe in Scientology. If they can raise someone from the dead and not have that be the guy with the fatal wound from Revelations…well, no still wouldn’t.

        I hope more people feel comfortable to post their thoughts here too. It helps me so much to wrap my mind, heart, and soul around the the fact that my son is dead. I hope posting these journals help others in lots of ways too.
        Hugs to you all,
        Matt’s mom, Jane


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