August 23, Sunday 2009 rated 7 (Becca, roommate, screwed up tolerance)

Matt is standing on that cliff. Is that cliff methadone? He looks so small compared to it. However, isn’t the view grand?

Today was a good day.  Becca came down from Green Bay to spend a few hours here.  That was a lot of fun; we talked a lot, but didn’t really connect on a romantic level as i would’ve hoped.  She is a beautiful girl, and I was hoping that I may have been able to make some love with her.  But, I didn’t press anything–and nothing happened.  I feel awkward anyways around women when it comes to initiating sex, always have been.  They usually have to press on me first, and those ones are usually the crazy whores anyways. Whatever, it’ll happen for me someday!!

The other big story of the day is that I’m actively searching for a new room, and I like what I see as far as Craigslist goes–it looks like where ever I go that I will be saving money, and I think that if Joh isn’t a dick about giving me sept. rent back that by this time next week, I may be penning this from a new location with a roommate that I may actually like!!  John is just outrageous in his horribleness–selfish, hateful, obtuse, a liar, and a hypocrite.  I’ve tried so hard to be a good friend to him, but it just hasn’t been any use. He is determined to be alone and hateful.  I guess he just decides that he wants to continue to live this lonely existence, taking out his insecurities on me or anyone else around him, but no longer on me!  I have had nothing but bad people experiences since I’ve been in Oshkosh; it seems that people are bent on being unhappy and unfriendly in this place.  I can hardly stand it any longer!!   I need not only to move out of this house, but of of this town!

I’ve been hitting that damn methadone pretty hard lately.  F**ked up my entire tolerance!  Tonight I’m trying a cocktail of methadone, percocet, and vicodin just to see if it works to overcome the methadone tolerance I’ve already had.  I would like methadone  if it was the only thing that I had access to, but if I try to get off on anything else then it’s all f**ked; that’s why I don’t like it.  Plus, it’s hard to come off of.  I hear the AS (Abstinence Syndrome) is more severe with methadone.  I guess I’ll find out.

Intake:  25 mg hydroco, 60 mg oxyco, 20 mg methadone, oral

(Junkies…lost in trying to find their way out. I can hear it so precisely here as Matt did not want to take methadone, did not want to lose himself in the drugs, and did want to just feel normal.

Anyone out there understand what Matt was writing? I thought methadone was a government program designed to help addicts get free. However, from what my son wrote here, he and others believe that it is very difficult to kick, more so than the original addiction it was designed to replace.

Maybe that is it. As a true critic of government programs, I am concerned that this program is like welfare. Welfare is quite the money machine in actuality. Just think of all the jobs it produces for government employees. Just think of all the souls who have been convinced that the government is their father, brother, savior, and caretaker. Just think about their votes. Would any government addict even consider casting a vote for someone who might put them in a position of control, in a position of adult responsibility, in a position of fear without the fine nectar of the Lotus Eaters? Is methadone what Odysseus was fed? Is it really that difficult to gather the troops, hop in the ship, and sail on to the real battle at hand–life?

Not informed as to how much this program spends and how many addicts are able to kick the habit, I may be musing in error. However, I call upon my muses out there to sing the truth.

Matt’s mom)

8 thoughts on “August 23, Sunday 2009 rated 7 (Becca, roommate, screwed up tolerance)

  1. I think it is important to understand methadone so we know what it does and doesn’t.

    Opiates (vicodin, oxicodon, heroin, and others) act on endorphins receptors (the substances that makes us happy in our brain). When consumed, opiates attach to the receptors giving a rush of happiness, fast and really high. When the consumption becomes steady the brain stop manufacturing our own endorphins and it takes a long time to re-star the process and that’s what creates the withdrawal effect when the person stops taking opiates.

    When the consumption has been chronic, the brain will have a really hard time re-starting the process of endorphins again, and most of the time I won’t re-start. That’s when methadone comes in.

    Methadone is long acting (up to 72 hours) and it is not absorbed by the brain as fast and as strong as the others opiates. So what methadone does is stabilize the mood by the brain absorbing small amounts of methadone at a time, for a longer time (not suddenly and sharply). Methadone occupies most of the receptors in the brain so, when another drug tries take them, it can’t and the person can’t get high as easily (they screw up their tolerance)

    This is why opiate users can’t easily get high on methadone, and when they don’t get that stimulus of being high they seek ways to increase the effect of methadone by increasing the dose or by mixing it with other drugs.

    Methadone treatment is effective, but it takes years to restore the endorphins secretion by the brain itself. Most of the users, stop abruptly and they have a worse withdrawal, because they haven’t restored the chemical balance in their brain. Only after a few years of treatment and counseling with methadone, tapering can be tried. It it is a long process as well, that may take up to a couple of years to overcome the symptoms.

    When on methadone, people can be productive and can resume a close-to-normal life. THey are not high, they are just balanced.

    Hope this helps.


    • Excellent info! I am lacking on the info side and playing catch up. Knowing my son, I bet that is why he avoided using it as he wanted the high. He just never felt good in his own skin. To feel good in our own skins something must be missing. So, your explanation sounds like a great plan for someone who has the support to get to the liking side of a personality. What do you think? Do you think that enough counseling is required for addicts to find equalibrium? Matt didn’t have to do any for the script, none. I just found the scripts and the evidence that he went to methadone clinics after he died. Now, I may be so very wrong, as I said that I am playing catch up, but quite possibly this is a good idea–methadone–with a good support plan. But, without one I am wondering how much understanding of the consequencies and commitment is really communicated and required of addicts. I say that because he didn’t receive the support necessary to make this major life change and commit to the time necessary to get his endorphins back. Well, according to your understanding this is quite the process and quite the risk for addicts’ equalibrum. All so interesing. I bet I will dream about this tonight as it all made me think a lot.
      Hey, thanks for the post!!!!! So nice to have someone with tangible facts interjecting the discussions! You should get in more of them as your candor and insider-view helps balance our understanding. But, I still don’t trust the government… hahaha.


      • I’m glad to participate in the discussions, and, I don’t trust the government either. 😉

        This morning I remembered that old saying: “A plan, a man, a canal (Panama!)”. An addict has to have a major life change commitment and be willing to get clean. A counselor will provide with the tools, supportive and emotional, to help the addict in his commitment to quit (perfecting the plan). Methadone will improve the quality of life of the addict to overcome his addiction.

        When one is missing then you have nothing but a hard time trying to make the other two work effectively. Sadly, there’s is an easy access to drugs in clinics, but no so much access to trained people that can provide counseling. And when there is trained people willing to help, they are limited by 5 minutes visits (up to 15 mins) set up by government agencies and insurance companies (the devil itself in healthcare). What can an addict learn about his issues in a 5 minutes visit? How can a counselor address their needs in such limited time? What kind of support can he provide?

        Support groups are great in addressing these kind of issues. And the best of all, these groups are supported by the community, and people committing their time to help others. I don’t know why not every clinic has a support group in their resources. Information is key to understand a disease and how to overcome it, but there’s a lack of, not information itself, but a lack of the carriers to get the information to the people who needs it the most.


        • So, you too agree that support is just as important as comfort in helping addicts succede? Me too! As for the time that physicians are given to examine patients, I have often thought of going to a clinic more like a trip to a factory. How do you even do it? I find the whole experience so strange–around here the clinic is in the hospital (brand new one), which has oil paintings every 15 feet along a marble walkway that ends on a 50 foot tall copper fireplace chimney. It’s very elegant, luxiurious. Then, I walk into the rooms after my comfy rest on a pricey couch to see a stressed out doctor trying to make small talk while looking at my entire life’s history in just 5 minutes. He/She has to figure out why the heck my fingers are numb in just a few minutes. Really? I say build a cinder block building with wooden benches and tile floors and give the doc some time to consider, think, problem solve, research… And, give the guy (or gal) a vacation! I figured that out when staying in the hospital. My doc did rounds at 7:00 am and then again at 5:00 pm. Then, when I had problems the night nurse called the poor guy at home! Once my daughter ate bear poop, not even kidding, and I talked to the pediatrician on his cell phone on the golf course. And, we wonder why we don’t give addicts the time they need? They need more than 15>5. Doctors just are way too stressed, in my estimation. So, you believe Satan/Insurance is the reason for this? I blame addiction on drug companies myself. Looks like Satan’s other arm is insurance.
          Thanks again for all the info and insider’s view. Quite interesting!


  2. I’m actually a substance abuse counselor, as I found my “calling” through going through all the crap I did. I think, like any business (and clinics are FOR profit businesses) their bottom line is to make money. I’m guessing that when you say he was getting his methadone from a clinic you mean later on in his life, because his methadone intake seems to be sporadic in his journals, and that is not how methadone works. At a clinic (at least the ones around here) you have to dose every morning…if you miss a certain number of days you are discharged from the clinic. It is NOT safe to mix methadone with other opiates, that’s one of the reasons it gets such a bad name…because many deaths involve a methadone cocktail. A lot of people (myself included) go on methadone because they simply don’t want to be sick anymore. We want to quit drugs without actually having to quit drugs. So when I first got on methadone I kept using, and pretty soon realized my efforts were futile since methadone is an opiate blocker. Like I said, Methadone works if you work it the way it was designed. Many of these clinics are understaffed (like most substance abuse facilities), but with that being said there’s also a minimum amount of counseling that has to be done with each patient every month, and counselors WILL put a hold on a patient if they are not going to their sessions. I know I went through three counselors at my clinic before I found one that I really liked. Some people are scared or intimidated to ask to see someone else, but I (as a counselor), am never offended. Some clients just get along better with certain counselors. I’d be happy to answer any other questions for you, as this is a topic very close to my heart. I’m not sure if my email shows up but if not I will post it on my next post if you can’t see it. 🙂


  3. I was on Methadone for 2.5 years and it helped save my life. It certainly isn’t government funded, I paid 15 dollars a day. The thing that messes a lot of people up is when they are buying it from the street instead of going to a clinic (since it is used in pain management also). If you are going to a clinic and have the desire to use Methadone as a maintenance tool then taper off it can and does work (I’m proof of that). Also, people say it’s harder to come off than heroin because the half life of Methadone is so much longer, that is why it’s recommended to taper all the way down to a low dose before coming off.


    • Thanks Amy for one more piece of the puzzle,one more opinion, truly thanks. As for your ability to kick the beast, I am comforted. So, in your particular area the management was on target, right? I am guessing that Matt got his from a clinic too as his last days were spent getting set up with the new local Methadone clinic. However, did you see any evidence in your area of what Karin described? I have heard that this is also a common practice.So glad this wasn’t your experience! Your comment helped me believe that not all government programs are based on dollars and no sense.
      Did your clinic offer quality counciling and support along with the treatment? I believe that is what was really lacking for Matthew. He just didn’t have the other part to treatment, the mental side of addiction. I hope to see more funding go into the area of whole patient treatment for addiction, not just for a maintance treatment system. What do you think?


  4. Methadone IS like welfare. I know of a local county government clinic where the “providers” will increase the dose anytime a “patient” expresses a desire to taper off…… Thankfully, it is not the only medication-assisted treatment option; and heroin/opiate addicts need options. They have a 90+% relapse rate without them.


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