Wed. Oct. 14, 2009 rated 4 (I sold April out, uhrgh, want to save her life)

Page 100 of journal! Weird, but this is the 100th post too.

Today at work I had a conference with _______ and Elta for about an hour, all about April and what happened last night.  I had to out her, had no other choice.  I told them all about April and the heroin she had and all the lies.  We called my P.O.  and I told her the whole story was well.  That was tought, breaking the cold of silence, but it was absolutely necessary.  April is a danger to herself and everyone around her.  She would end up dead if someone didn’t intervene.  She will be in a world of shit now.  I feel like I sold her out! but I felt a force inside that pushed me towards it, inexplicable.  I just hope I don’t get caught up in all of this and go down with her too.

April called me today trying to convince me that she could fix everything by telling some more lies. This time she wants to tell everyone she’s pregnant–just sick.  I don’t think I’ll be seeing April much anymore; we’re not going to be friends, I don’t think.

Intake:  heroin 1 shot IV

(For anyone reading this, just imagine what this was like reading this as Matt’s mom. I was so thankful to receive these journals, but really felt so guilt ridden. Any parent out there reading needs to realize this: If your child had a drug problem ever, look closer at the now. Look really close and listen like you are on trial, because you are. I listened like a rock skipped across the water, like listening to the neighbor’s dog, like I listened at meetings that were not about me. I just didn’t pick up on the little hints, the inconsistencies. Either that or when I heard these inconsistencies I pounced like a panther on his throat. I was thinking that I could treat him like he was 14 or something. Well, he did act like it… Problem was that he needed to be treated like he was 24. He needed to hear, “Oh, wow, really? So, let’s look at this for what it is. Isn’t life hard? You know what happened to me once….” If I had been less like the whip and more like the cooling towel he may have told me this story, and I wouldn’t have had to wait until after he was dead a year to read it. Upon reading this I was dumb (not able to speak). Thankfully I am now a bit less dumb (able to hear and speak). I listen much better now. I even smile when I listen now. Actually, I don’t even force my advice! I give it, but I also make sure to let the other listener know that I really don’t know it all, like I thought when I did know it all….

So, what would you tell someone who told you this? Would you give advice? I am struggling with what I would have said to Matt if he had told me this episode in his short life. I am actually still wondering what someone can/should/ could say to turn this situation around for Matt.

Matt’s mom)”

One thought on “Wed. Oct. 14, 2009 rated 4 (I sold April out, uhrgh, want to save her life)

  1. Do you have a personal email? I too am the mother of an addict. I’ve tried every tactic I know. I’d love to speak more about this with you. And I love this picture of Matt. He has such wise, old eyes.


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