November 2, Monday 2009 rated 5

I’ve had enough.  I’ve had enough drugs; I’ve had enough heart-break; I’ve had enough of playing the loser.  I want out; I want out now!!!  Tomorrow I’m hitting the pavement hard to look for a second job.  When I find that job, I’ll work my ass off until I get enough money to go back to Europe, if I haven’t gone to Ukraine, back to Poland and seen Pela again.  By Nov. 2nd next year I’m going to end my life;  I really will; if I can’t make something this simple happen by then, I’ll do the un-thinkable. Better to DIE than to go on living like this, never achieving anything, always just being satisfied with survival.  No more.

I’m real emotional tonight because I have just seen some pictures of Pela from her trip to Italy.  I find it impossible to believe that 3 years later I still find fire in my soul for this girl.  I wish it was gone.  I wish there were some way to extinguish this feeling, but no–it creeps up into the very depths of my soul; it is extended there.  Why?  Why?  Why? What exactly does the future hold now with this?  BE GONE!!

I hereby RESOLVE to have traveled to Europe by this time next year.

Intake: Ø day 1

6 thoughts on “November 2, Monday 2009 rated 5

    • At first I was just writing up the journals and posting them. However, when the film company approached me, I decided they should be put in a form that could be passed around and given to people. Sorry for the confusion, but I put them all in a book at this point. I always felt Matthew should be published, and am proud of him for making it even if it is post mortem.


  1. Oh my … Matt was an addict yes, but that last paragraph illustrates that he also loved. His “why, why, why” comments speaks to all of us who have loved and wanted so badly to either have that love returned or let it be extinguished.
    Thank you so much for sharing Matt with us.


  2. This is a dire situation that addicts reach at some point in time; that’s if they are sincere about being delivered and live long enough to get that far. Obviously, the main problem is following through, without succumbing to the over whelming temptations of the addiction.


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